What you waa-n’t – was what the lunch room lady at Germantown Friends School said each day behind the steam of the hot lunch line. I never got hot lunch – packed the old yogurt, carrot sticks and soggy crackers – My mom was ahead of the curve – healthy – and I hated it – but I’d hear “What you waa-nt?” on my way to getting an ice cream sandwich.

As 2007 comes to an end – what I waa-n’t – is to let go, admit I’m out of gas and sort of depressed. I hate this “merry” season. There’s nothing merry about it. The end of a year. Things learned. What I want is to be honest.

In class this morning we looked at “letting go” and not being swayed by pop culture “fix-it-therapy” like Dr. Phil (no judgment but it’s garbage and not what I’m into), how we could all just “BE” where we are and let go the expectations, let go the hype of the “holidays”, let go the need to do, be and have more, let go of being victims, martyrs, let go of being “great” and uber-successful, let go of thinking there are “bad” people, let go of all the mind stuff and judgment and let be what is “real” now in your heart. Let depression move you, let grace move you. Let a letter, a poem, a phone call be real and from the heart. God, a friend called and put her phone to a wave moving up the beach in Miami. This faint real wave. I screamed out in my car, “Thank God! Thank you, Leslie! I love you!”

I need real waves.

Why do we buy this notion that everything must be rational? There is nothing rational about a school of tropical fish, a river, a cloud or an English bulldog puppy named Emily – who lives down the street- who is so cute I almost have to bulldog-nap her. It’s irrational the way chocolate makes me moan. It’s embarrassing. It’s irrationally full and alive – yes, an orgasmic release. An aa-ha.
In class we looked at the heart and how it transforms everything from a “should” to a “what can I love now?”. How can I share this mess – this real heart now? My heart is a mess. It’s confused and complex and wanting. Perhaps tears, perhaps laughter, perhaps depression (me now – need more sunlight, need Sam-e vitamins, need more rest) but honestly how can we remain organic human beings rather than “Happy Holidays” fake nice robots of peace and joy if we are not allowed to be who we really are? Authentic happiness is the honesty to admit (see “Reign Over Me”) what is present – a new depression, loneliness, an itch – fill in the blank.
I buy into the popular culture happy yet? pressure cooker all the time and I have to remind – RE-MIND – myself all the time to drop it. It’s an odd addiction to think : “I must be more to be happy.”

My release – happiness on my terms – oddly sprouts the moment I admit I am lost, jealous, or joyously-badly sing to a new song, listening to the voice I want to hear on my voice mail, buying freeze dried mangoes at Trader Joe’s or sitting in my tub.

I spoke with one of my best friends yesterday and told her I was sorry – I hadn’t told her how I was really feeling, thinking – what I had been suppressing – to look happy, fun and up around her because I didn’t want to bring her down with what I was really experiencing – hating the over consumptive holidays, watching people pig out on cookies and Tiffany salad bowls, wishing I was more jolly. I just can’t stand to pretend.

The funny thing is – she said, “Oh,Thank God, I wasn’t telling you the whole story either because I didn’t want to bring you down.”

Since when have we become with-holders of life? Since when have we started packaging life to look pretty? It’s not pretty. It’s on the move. It’s a mess. A never ending mess of beauty and choices.

Is this what 40 means? I’m happily sick of the rigga-ma-role. I’m into honest-happiness. Even if it makes other people uncomfortable. I can’t imagine acting anymore, and yet I do. I suppose it’s only human to try and make everything “Better” and “Right”. The Lover vs The Actor. Surrendered to laugh at myself. To appreciate and love my raw-nakedness. I hate that expression – raw nakedness – but you know when you can feel the wind go right through you? That’s how I feel right now. I’m tired of pretending I’ve got it together and honored to admit it. I wake up in the middle of the night my body exhausted but my brain thinks- “Don’t forget to pay that parking ticket!” Jesus, what is that? Let it go. I meditate. I fall back asleep or get up and make oatmeal.

I’m reviewing 2007 – seeing all that great things and people and opportunities that came in and those that went out. It’s OK to grieve, I tell myself. I’m not fond of grieving. But it’s natural. It’s good. It’s OK. I’m giving myself permission for the first time in 40 years – to feel no pressure to boogie, to go out, to “whoooo” it up – for New Years.

As Pema Chodron says, “What ever you experience now at least you’ll know you’re present and not off on some fantasy trip, addicted to a moment that doesn’t exit.” or something to that effect. She’s got it. I love her.
What ever I choose will be perfect.

1) Morn a few losses. Get clear on lessons learned. Take responsibility.

2) Acknowledge my successes. Thing I love that I created. Let it soak in.

3) Take a bath – hot tub.

4) Welcome the unknown – blank slate.

5) Begin again. No hype. Write intentions and wishes for 2008.

6) Know that something more powerful than me is really in charge. Grace.

7) Share this list with people I trust.

Feeling better already. (Sort of.)

Grace and ease are not graceful nor are they easy, especially if I’m in the breakdown before the break through – mode. I know from experience I have to wait out the messy emotions – soul change – integrate and allow some sort of bloom…God, I am holding my…I mean breathing towards Mexico and spring.
How ever you choose to celebrate, as Obie One Kenobe (spelling, anyone?) says, “May the force be with you.”
Happy New Year. Blooming….